What I Do Before, During, and After My Kids Sleep Away From Home to Set Them (and Me) Up for Success
A look at 3 tiers of sleeping away from home - a sleepover with a friend, an overnight camp, and sleepaway camp - and how I've learned to set my kids and me up for success for each tier.
This Wednesday morning, my 10-year-old daughter leaves for sleepaway camp for 3.5 weeks. It’s her second year at this camp, and she is so excited to go!
As I’ve been getting her ready, I started reflecting on how relaxed I am about sending her to camp for so long, and how we got to this point. What I realized is that this didn’t happen all at once. There’s been a natural progression, for her and for my husband and me, through three distinct tiers of being away from home: a sleepover at a friend’s house, a single or double night overnight camp experience (summer camp or school retreat), and now, a longer term sleepaway camp.
Each of those away-from-home experiences built my kids’ and my confidence for the next stage. So this week, I wanted to walk through how we approached each tier, in case it helps you and your family when it comes time for your kids to sleep away from home. Also, not all paths lead to a long sleepaway camp (I have two other kids – sons who are 12 and 6 – the older one has done the first two tiers but is not yet interested in a long sleepaway camp and the younger one has not begun to sleep away from home) but since most schools require an overnight retreat, these are independence and trust skills I suggest kids and parents build before that time comes (in Los Angeles, 4th grade seems to be the typical first time kids go on a two-night school retreat).
TIER 1: SLEEPOVER
The sleepover at a friend’s house (not a sleepover with extended family) was the first step in my daughter’s sleeping-away-from-home journey. She was in first grade (age 7.5 years old) and she stayed the night at her preschool best friend’s house.
Readiness
My daughter started begging us for a sleepover in kindergarten. She had been hearing about them through TV shows, movies, and books, and she really wanted to go on one! So we asked her friend from preschool if they’d host her since my daughter was already super comfortable at this friend’s house, because we’d known that family for 6 years, and it helped ease both of our minds that their house is close to ours so I could get there in 4 minutes if my daugther needed me!
As for my readiness, I knew this stage was coming because her friends were having a lot of sleepovers, so I was prepared for it when she asked. I wanted to set a fun tone so I was light about the whole thing and didn’t make a big deal of it all. But I knew that not having her at home would be a very odd feeling… That evening was very quiet without her there, and that night I tossed and turned and kept checking my phone in case I needed to get her!
Preparation
My daughter and I talked each step of her time there – playing with her friend, dinner with the family, after dinner playing/movie, getting into pajamas and brushing teeth, sleeping, waking up in the morning and having breakfast, and then playing until I came to pick her up.
I explained to her that her friend’s parents are there to help her too, so to ask them if she needs anything while she’s there, including if she needs to call me.
We packed her bag together and leaned into being super comfortable. I made sure she remembered her favorite stuffed animals and that she brought quiet time activities to do in case she woke up early.
Safety
I made sure my daughter had memorized my phone number and told her if she called and needed me that I’d come get her any time, no reason needed.
We talked about her egg allergy and what to be aware of when eating different meals. I reminded her friend’s mom about the egg allergy.
I talked with her friend’s mom about their screen rules: what devices her daughter has access to and uses, and what access those devices have. We spoke about what we’re both comfortable with during the sleepover and then I explained that plan to my daughter.
I also talked with her friend’s mom about items at the house and how they’re kept safe for kids: pool, pets, guns. Since the time of that talk, when my kids now go to other people’s houses I’ve added in asking about if there are CBD gummies at the house thanks to an Instagram post by Cara Natterson (she also writes the Substack Less Awkward that’s a wealth of knowledge for tween/teen years) about what to ask when dropping off kids for play dates.
I also asked who will be at the house while my daughter is there so I could let her know, and so I could assess.
Drop Off
I took her to her friend’s house and went in to help put her bag in the bedroom and get her comfortable. We spoke about the schedule and timing of the night, and of the next morning. I gave her a hug and wished her sweet dreams, and left smiling. I think setting the tone that this is a fun thing and not that I was sad or worried helped set her up for a successful night.
That Night
The nicest thing that parents this generation do is they send updates via text that are pictures and little updates during the evening of a sleepover. It’s a really lovely thing that helped me feel connected to her and happy that she was there – it looked like so much fun for both of them!
Pick Up
I picked her up at 9:30am the next morning. I didn’t want her to stay too long if she was exhausted or not having fun, and I didn’t want to infringe on that family’s weekend day.
The Day After
I kept the day after completely free. I had a feeling my daughter wouldn’t sleep well at her first sleepover and I didn’t want to put her in situations where she’d have a huge meltdown. So we relaxed at home and I’m glad we did because she was definitely very sensitive (aka exhausted) the entire next day. I gave her a long bath with magnesium flakes for extra relaxation and then put her to bed by 7pm!
Wrap Report
A “wrap report” is what I do after every big family event where we assess how it went and then write notes down to refer to the next time we have that big event (click here for an article about how/why I make one). After the first sleepover we chatted about what went well, what was tricky, and what questions she had about her time away. She told me that her pajamas were too hot and she wished she’d brought a choice of what to wear once she felt how warm it was in the room, that she needed a clock to see what time it was in the night (she kept waking up wondering if it was morning yet), and that she wanted to stay longer the next morning because they’d just gotten started playing together when I picked her up. I continue to ask questions and write down thoughts after every sleepover my kids go on - the wrap report was not just for the first time away.
TIER 2: ONE OR TWO NIGHT TRIP
Every summer we relocate to Idaho and the kids go to local camps there. The main camp they all go to starts at 4-years-old, and when the kids turn 8 the camp offers one or two night campouts during the camp week. The first time my daughter went on one of those one-night campouts was the summer she was 8 years old (after 2nd grade), and the first time my oldest son went was when he was 9-years-old (after 3rd grade). My daughter was excited to go, and my son was curious about it and agreed to try. I think he agreed because he knew that the next year of school (4th grade) requires a two-night retreat, so he wanted to get his away-from-home “sea legs” at camp the summer before.
Readiness
I knew my daughter was ready for this overnight camp because she asked to go. But in her older brother’s case, I highly encouraged him to go on this campout because, as I said above, it was the summer before his school took their class away for a two night overnight retreat. I knew that he needed the experience of being away from home, and away from an actual person’s home and sleeping in a group setting, before he stayed overnight with his classmates. I really wanted him to have confidence that he could stay away from home in an unfamiliar environment.
Preparation
I packed each of their bags very carefully by following the camp’s packing list, and I had them stand with me while I did it so they knew where everything was and what options they had.
They both wanted their stuffed animal with them but didn’t want other kids to tease them. So, friends of mine suggested a sleeping bag hack that worked great – I put their stuffy in the foot of their sleeping bag and then stuffed it into the “stuff sack” of the sleeping bag. That way when they got into their sleeping bag they could secretly grab their stuffy to sleep with, and then put it back in the bottom of the sleeping bag before stuffing it into its bag the next morning.
I knew they wouldn’t be able to call me (they were camping by a river), and I knew they knew that too which might make them anxious. So I wrote a surprise goodnight note and put it in the top pocket of their sleeping bag with a small flashlight for them to discover when they went to sleep.
I packed small activities for them to do during downtime at camp. I’m especially glad I did this for my son because his group played flag football all the time and he didn’t want to play at all. He spent his time reading and drawing comics (two activities I’d sent) instead of playing football! For ideas of what to send for downtime at camp, click here for ideas for boys and click here for ideas for girls to go to Amazon lists I made.
Drop Off
Just like the sleepover drop off, I took my kids to the camp drop off spot and waited with them for a bit until they were comfortable. Then I left cheerful and upbeat about their adventure – I did not want to plant any idea of my being sad they would be away for a night in case it triggered them to be upset.
That Night
It was a campout and that meant no checking in with parents because they had no cell service! I tossed and turned all night, and kept checking the weather where they were and panicked about what I might’ve forgotten to pack to keep them comfortable. Both when my son went and when my daughter went I had a pit in my stomach the entire night because I was so worried they were scared or too cold! Something about them being totally off the grid in a tent was (and is) hard for me. But when they returned and did a two night overnight campout, by the second night I was totally settled in and relaxed about it. That lesson about how I adjust (night one I panic and night two I’m good) served me well for when my daughter went to the long-term sleepaway camp the next year.
Pick Up
The pick up was at the end of week camp party, and I arrived with a huge cold water and juice, plus they sell pizza at the party so I got them slices right away. They were so dehydrated, hungry, and dirty! They both had a great time but were exhausted.
First Evening Home
The rule with that camp is we go right home and bathe or shower for a long time! While they do that I wash everything right away because they often pack their items soaking wet or covered in mud, so I need to get them clean immediately…
The other rule we have is that whoever has been away at camp or on a school trip gets to choose dinner that night - anything they want. The kids love this tradition and it makes them feel special as they adjust to being back home.
Wrap Report
The first wrap reports from those camp overnights taught us they need “quiet time” activities to do either solo or when they want to bond with new friends, that they need winter hats, soft gloves, and cozy sleep socks in their sleeping bag so they’re easy to put on in the middle of the night when it gets super cold, and that they need two bathing suits a day because they don’t dry well after morning river time so putting them on again for later river time is very uncomfortable.
TIER 3: SLEEPAWAY CAMP
Readiness
I’ve asked my oldest son for the last 3 school years (4th, 5th and 6th grades) if he’d like to go to sleepaway camp and the answer is a huge no. But, about a month ago he asked if there was a sleepaway camp at boarding schools to try before high school so maybe he’ll want to try that in a year? As for my daughter, at the start of 3rd grade a friend of a friend had gone on tours of east coast camps and told friends about a great all girls camp, and when I looked at it online and showed my daughter she wanted to go! But she really wanted a friend to go too. So I told a few friends and two decided to send their girls too! Once I knew that my daughter would have friends there, I knew she would be excited for the adventure.
As for my readiness, after I’d seen how much fun she had at the two-night overnight campout, I saw sleepaway camp as a big new growth experience for her. While I was worried about her being homesick and wishing she could leave early, I also knew that this would be amazing for her confidence, maturation, and that she’d have a lot of fun in an all-girls environment which I knew she wanted to experience since she lives with two brothers.
Preparation
We prepared for this adventure for quite a while before she went in June of that year! In February she had to try on sample clothes from the camp uniform store and then I ordered what sizes fit. In March I started ordering all the items she’d need while at camp, and all the “extras” that would make her experience more comfortable. In April she went on a new camper Zoom to meet the heads of the camp and the other new campers who were her age. In a huge surprise, I saw people I knew on that Zoom and so we all planned a big playdate to get the girls together before they left! That playdate, and a camp-sponsored bowling playdate, happened in early May. May was also when I finalized packing her stuff (click here for step-by-step of how I pack for sleepaway camp) and the camp shipping company picked it up.
The day her camp trunks left I felt like my heart went with the bags. We are not allowed to send care packages to her camp, so I knew that whatever was in those bags (and in the backpack she took with her on the first day) were all she would have for those 3.5 weeks. It was a lot to process for someone with my Type A personality… But I also knew that that was my work in this experience – to let go of that control and trust that she can figure out how to get what she needs without me there.
Drop Off
Again, I kept the positive vibes at drop off. Our whole family went to the bus drop off to say goodbye and cheer her on. We saw her friends and also saw how happy the older campers were to be going back, which made us feel great. It was an exciting day and no tears!
While At Camp
We could email her every day and the camp would print them and deliver them to my daughter. She could write us letters via snail mail only. We also could send letters, which I did about every two days. The campers were allowed to call us one time for a check in, and since it was her first year, the camp director called me with an update during the first three days.
Our house felt very quiet the whole time she was gone, and that first night was really hard but I remembered that when she was gone for the two-night campout that the second night was much easier for me. And that same thing happened – night two and on was much easier.
What I didn’t expect was that the hardest day for me was the day she was allowed to call us. I just couldn’t believe I couldn’t keep talking to her to hear how it was going, and that I wouldn’t be able to talk to her again for another week and a half.
Pick Up
I picked up my daughter at the camp and when I saw her and she ran to me, I sobbed an ugly cry. I was so excited to see her, and thrilled that she looked so great and happy. It was a lot of emotions at once! She was filled with stories and took me on a tour of camp which was wonderful.
That Evening
We stayed in a hotel that night before getting on a flight the next day. She slept in the car on the way to the hotel, and then took a super long bath and were ordered room service and watched a movie (the new Descendants movie had just come out and she was so excited!). I’d bought us new matching pajamas to make that first night super fun, and gave her a friendship bracelet. It was a wonderful reunion.
Wrap Report
Over the next week we went through her experience and I wrote down what she said in my notes app which was a great guide to prepping her for camp this year. I later wrote this article about what life skills she needed to know while away from home, and what her top camp “extras” were while she was at camp.
She also told me that she too had a really hard time with our phone call and that it made her cry afterwards. I was so sad to hear that! So this year we will not be doing a camp call unless she tells her counselor she’s changed her mind. And, when she went on her 4th grade school retreat this year, she opted out of the call home, which she said made her feel great about being away because she could focus on being there and not thinking about what she might be missing at home.
Overall what I’ve learned is that these tiers naturally build on each other, for both my kids and for me. While each time we’ve done a new step it’s been hard to get used to, it has never been too tough - it’s just taken a beat to get adjusted to a new reality. For us, each step has gone well, and that means the next time one of my kids does that same step, I’m able to feel a little bit calmer about it. I was thrilled that when my daughter’s camp trunks left this year that I didn’t feel the same heartbreak at seeing them go. I feel great about my daughter going to sleepaway camp on Wednesday because I know she’s ready for it and I know that I’ve prepped her for it!
I know each family is different so please, as always, take from this article what resonates and helps you as your kids grow up, and as you grow with your kids.
❤️, Amanda, your Type A Mom friend
PS: This week my youngest son (6) went to biking camp at PedalHeads and learned how to ride on two wheels! On Saturday we went to the bike path at the beach to practice and it was super fun. My husband snapped this picture, and since I’m wearing what seems to be my current summer uniform as I run around after my kids (literally what I did on this biking day lol), I wanted to share it in case it helps you figure out what to wear while Momming right now😉
That duffle bag is SO cute! Love all of these tips!