The "Modern Day Village"
The phrase "it takes a village" to raise a child is very true. A "village" is usually made of relatives, but in today's world many don't live nearby, so we must create our own "Modern Day Village".
I’ve been a mom for over 10 years, and I have three kids aged 5, 8, and 10. Our family does not live nearby so when I had my first son 10 years ago it was not immediately obvious who to turn to when I had questions. After realizing that I needed more help than simply trying to figure it out on my own, I began reaching out to others - I would ask the pediatrician, research answers online and on social media, and bounce questions off of friends who also had kids. All were very helpful and I’m grateful for all of that advice! Through those experiences I learned so much about raising children that I never even knew existed (bottle sterilizers! swaddles! mommy hooks!) and what dangers to look for that had never previously occurred to me (a strand of hair wrapped around a toe! mold in a bath toy!). I also discovered helpful parenting ideas through trial and error (as soon as your kid starts to prefer a specific lovey buy more of that exact one and rotate them all so that if one gets lost they all smell “good” to your kid and you won’t even notice one is missing). As I collected and implemented all this information to help me raise my kids, I realized that without knowing it, I was building my own personal support system which I would soon call my “Modern Day Village”.
In my early days of parenting I’d often hear the phrase “it takes a village” when people would see me and we’d talk about how much work it is to be a parent, and how steep and intense the learning curve is. It was an interesting thing to hear over and over again especially because in this modern time many of us live far away from our closest family (which is how many people define what that parenting “village” is made up of). Neither my husband’s family nor my family live near enough to help with childcare or daily emotional support, so we do not have a clear and available “village.” As we got more and more into raising our kids, my husband and I realized that despite living in this modern age where one can get almost anything they need on demand, it’s clear that the need to have a “village” to help raise kids is still extremely important!
On a movie set there is an area called “Video Village.” It is an area where the director, the cinematographer, and the producers sit behind monitors that show what the cameraman is filming. The director is in charge of the entire set so Video Village is the heart of the set, and it is where all the departments report in their information/status, and where they go when they have questions. Video Village is the central hub of all the set decision making.
When I realized that we needed to build our “Modern Day Village” I realized it was the same thing as building a “Video Village” on set – you need the parents (the directors) to be in charge of what is happening in the scene (the kids), and all friends/family/professionals (the departments who work on the movie set) support and give their advice to the parents who then make the decisions. There are many different departments on a movie set and they are all crucial – lighting, craft services, the art department, hair and makeup, transportation, wardrobe, etc. are all necessary to making a movie. So, in thinking about our family’s Modern Day Village, I knew that to be a strong support system, we’d need many people and solid resources for the needs of our family.
Below I’ve created lists for who, and what, makes up my Modern Day Village, and why. I hope you can use these ideas as a resource for building your family’s own personal “Modern Day Village”. There are different categories that I lean on for support, much the same as a director does on a movie set. It’s personal to me, just like each village is specific to each movie being made, so keep that in mind as you look at this list of the ideas that help support me and my family. When you think about this list and your Modern Day Village, I hope you realize that there are many people and things who are already supporting you and your family! But you may also realize that there areas in which you need more support. If you read the below list and realize you need suggestions for help in any of these areas, I am here to help you find that support so please reach out!
FRIENDS & ACQUAINTANCES
Friends are an integral part of anyone’s Modern Day Village. These different types of friends can take time to find and add to your village, so be patient if you don’t have a lot of these friends yet. But remember, when you find them, hang on to them! They are what will help inspire you, energize you, support you, comfort you, and just simply be there during different ups and downs of life. And, they will be who your kids learn to turn to too, so they are crucial to your entire family. Some of my friendships fall into more than one of these categories so don’t think you need all of these to be separate people!
The friend with kids at the same age and stage of development. Lining up this age exactly is extremely important in the first 3 years of your child’s life since that is when each month is monumentally different than the previous month in your child’s development.
The friend who has kids in your child’s classroom. You’ll need each other to lean on as you go through the school years together! Your kids don’t need to be friends – in fact that might make it easier since you won’t have to deal with their friendship drama – but having them in the same class/grade is very helpful!
The friend who has known you and your family forever. This is so helpful because you don’t have to give backstory when something is going on with any part of your life!
The friend who has kids 5 years older than your oldest kid. They have most likely lived through (or seen friends go through) whatever you’re going through and can be a super helpful guide when you feel like you’re in the depths of a situation and can’t see your way out.
The friend who has 3 or more kids. This parent has seen a lot, and this is what I can be for you on a bigger scale! But you’ll also need a local friend who has this so you can lean upon them for experience and information that they’ve lived through with their kids.
The friend who is long distance. This means that they won’t get involved in any drama that may be happening in your current day-to-day life so they can give a clear perspective on issues.
The friend at playgroup/school who supports how involved you want to be. Some of us love to be involved in every part of volunteering at school and having a friend who is just as involved is super helpful because you can support each other and brainstorm ideas together. Others of us are not interested/not available to be involved and having a friend in the same situation is super helpful because you can support each other in that.
The friend with the same parenting vibe as you. I love fellow Type A Mom friends because they make me feel like how I do things for my family and how I think about parenting is not too out of the box! When you find your fellow parenting vibe it’s a relief and so helpful because you just “get” each other.
The Type A parent friend. This is what I am for you! I can help you on a broad scale (for more frequent tips than these weekly Substacks follow my Instagram @Type__A__Mom), but if you are not a Type A parent then you will likely need to find a Type A parent friend at your kids’ school, and in life, who has done all the research and tried all the things and can distill things down to what is important to focus on!
The friend on the same career path. You will understand each other in ways no one else can.
The friend on the opposite career path. This will help you find perspective during many moments of parenthood and career.
The friend who was born and raised in the town you now live. This friend will have deep knowledge about things that you will need to know - great doctors, information about schools, special hiking etc. trails, the best local bakeries etc. for parties, and so much more.
The friend who does not have kids. They will give you much needed reminders that you’re not just a parent and will provide a fresh and refreshing point of view!
The friend whose kids are in the same extracurricular activities as yours. You will lean on each other often - help with carpooling, questions about sign ups, etc.
The friend with older kids at the same school as your kids. This friend will know so much about what’s to come for your kids and is a great resource as you navigate school days.
The friend who is your biggest cheerleader. These friends keep you seeing yourself as you (as opposed to just as “so-and-so’s parent”) and they help you make your dreams come true. Those of you reading this who know me personally are definitely this to me – thank you.
The friend who has kids around your kids’ ages and all spouses get along. These are really fun friends to have for different family activities (beach days, park days) and then as the kids get older for family trips together.
The friend who is a teacher or a doctor. These are bonus friends that are rare to find but are super helpful if you have them – you’ll have endless questions for both as your kids grow up!
DIGITAL VILLAGE
Sometimes I just want to hear from someone who had been there before and lived through it, but who doesn’t know me – I want to observe/learn anonymously. For that reason, I am so glad that social media exists. In my early days of parenting I was able to first find some facebook groups that were specifically for moms and had all kinds of advice and open forums to read other people’s questions and answers, and then ask questions on when I felt comfortable. I really enjoyed those forums, and appreciate the support that I felt because of those groups. Then I started to use Instagram as another resource to help my parenting journey. I sought out different creators and followed ones that were relevant to me at each stage of my kids’ (and my family’s) development. It was in this way that I feel like I created my own helpful digital village that was specific and personal to me and my family.
As I think about what Instagram accounts, websites, and podcasts that have helped me the most during different parent stages, these are some that I love:
Toddler/Activities
My two oldest (when they were 6 and 4) playing with a sensory bin of “oobleck” that Busy Toddler taught me how to make - they loved it! Parenting Advice
Education Guidance
Not Feeling Alone
This one is personal and has many factors - whether you like humor or earnest deep thoughts, if you like to be entertained or educated, etc. - it’s helpful to follow accounts who “speak” personally to you and entertain you during many different seasons of parenting - I encourage you to search out what you like best!
PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE & SERVICES
These professionals, companies, places, etc. are a crucial part of my village and I couldn’t live without them.
Caregivers – starting with our baby nurse (whom I still talk to 10+ years later) through nannies to sitters, we have been so grateful for the wonderful people who care for our kids (and us)
Doctors, Dentists, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Educational Therapists - these are crucial for both my kids and for me - make sure you have ones you can rely on and who make you and your kids feel heard and seen
My 3 kids all in a row at their dentist appointments😍 - this is at the dentist we found and love after trying 2 others that weren’t a great fit Schools - teachers, classmates, structured activities - these have been crucial to lean upon at different times in my kids’ development
Coaches – it’s wonderful to have a coach help inspire, discipline, teach, and guide my kids in a way that I as a parent cannot - they are a great teammate to parents and should be included in your kids’ lives however you need
Grocery/Basics Delivery - I’ve been parenting since before grocery delivery was invented so I know the “before times” and because of that I am probably extra grateful for each one of these services - Instacart, Amazon Prime, Costco same-day delivery
iPhone – camera, organizer, calendar, alarm clock, timer, music, podcasts all in one spot!
Community Rec Center – they offer parenting classes, after school classes, holiday events, summer and school break camps - they’re an amazing resource and if you sign up for their email mailing list and follow their Instagram you’ll learn a lot about what they offer!
Library – they have many great services beyond just checking out books - story time hours, crafts, summer reading challenges, and it’s a place to just get out of the house and go to when you need something to do with the kids
Books – don’t underestimate losing yourself in another world when you’re going through an intense parenting season
I’ve found that over time I’ve built a village that really helps me feel supported and I appreciate every part of my village so much. It’s not Thanksgiving but I do feel like this is very much a thankful/grateful post for all who have supported me and my family during this decade of parenting. THANK YOU❤️